SELF ASSESSMENT | Depression Self Testing: Are you depressed?

[WalrusGumboot]

I want to share something with the men here, based upon my experience. If you are over 35 (give or take) and have some ongoing depression issues, it might be beneficial to dig a little deeper into why you are this way.

In the last several years of my marriage to my stbxw, I began to experience classic depression symptoms. I did not take action until I was separated. The doctor ordered blood work done, which came back normal. He was quick to prescribe an anti-depressant.

Not really satisfied with how quickly he wanted to put me on the drugs, I began to do my own research, and quite comprehensively at that. Men go through a menopause themselves as they age, but it takes up to 20 years in contrast with women, who go through it quickly in comparison. Testosterone decreases and estrogen increases. It is a natural occurrence, but can be hastened by negative life events, such as being married to a woman with BPD.

Low T can cause depression symptoms, but normal blood screening for men only measure Total testosterone, which can be deceptive. For example, my Total T was high-normal, and my doc said that was all he needed to determine it wasn't a T problem. I went to another doc that ordered a Free T test, and lo and behold, it was pretty low. Low Free T and normal Total T means excessive SHBG (Sex Hormone Binding Globulins), which binds Free T, making them no longer Free. Free T is the one to be primarily concerned with.

Long story short, hormonal imbalance can be the culprit behind the depression. There are also many other risks of low T, including heart disease and strokes. Sexual dysfunction is also a symptom.

An endocrinologist might be worth paying a visit to before you decide to take that anti-depressant.

[jessicapuppy]

24 but today is a really bad day, as I am ill with flu and feeling VERY sorry for myself!  I will try again in a week... .

[momtario]

wow... .this is the second time in a week I've gotten a 78 on this... .

[jessicapuppy]

Wow!  What a difference 3 weeks can make!  Today I scored 9, as oppose to my previous 24!

I have made my decision and have worked on moving on with my life.  I'd imagine my score would not be so drastically different, if I was still in the same day to day situation I was in a couple of months ago. 

I must admit, there was a point I felt like I would never feel happy again, and was the lowest I have felt for many years.  It just goes to show that we are stronger than we think, and that time does heal. 

I hope that this will give people who feel like I did a few weeks ago, hope.

[bigblue]

I already knew I was really depressed, but I scored a 69. I have been living this way for 15 years and I hope I finally get some help, as I feel like its my last chance before I go completely insane. I am in the process of finding a therapist. I sometimes wonder how I have made it so far, but I just keep going. More out of fear of the unknown than anything else. Is anyone else severely depressed right now, too?

Looks like 3 months later, I am still at 69. Its weird how I came up with the exact same number, I didn't even remember what I got until I re read my post after I had re taken the test. Anyways, I am waiting for a state funded program to allow me to see a therapist and get medication. I had a psychological evaluation to be accepted into the program  a week ago and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

It was weird being "evaluated", but I did take what was clearly a personality disorder test, too. Passed that one and was greatly disturbed by the kinds of questions during the over 300 questions in the test book. Then, the psychologist talked to me for a bit. He seemed to think I was this outgoing, ambitious, young woman who was just in a bad situation... .all because I had traveled to a few countries by myself at some point. I thought that was a little ridiculous. Why are there so many quack shrinks that I have met? They seem to not have a clue about what I am all about. They take one look at me and my education and life experiences, and its like, "Why would you be depressed, bigblue?" At least they all recognize that I am intelligent. That always comes up. "Wow, you seem so intelligent... .tell me again why you are unemployed and supported by your mother that you hate and abuses you?"

I need therapy and I need medication. I'm a mess.

This state funded program could take up to 6 months to go through. In the mean time... .I am trying to keep myself together. How discouraging to read all of this and realize I am just sitting here, rotting away, and wasting my beautiful life. I cannot even appreciate anything anymore. It is the worst feeling in the world.

Still can't/don't want to kill myself. But, sometimes I wish I could. I wish I was dead, with no more stress. This stress is killing me, literally. I have been in constant "fight or flight" mode for YEARS. It KILLS BRAIN CELLS FOR GODSAKES! I am so confused and unable to think clearly right now. I hope I have a better update in another few months.

[BreadHead]

18 today.

Back in October I was a 10 and then a 4. 

I would be more upset by it but I know it's more to do with my mother's health than anything.  she has decided not to undergo chemo anymore and has signed up with hospice services.  It seems to sort of overshadow everything in my life, and then there have been some small set backs at work and my car broke.  I know I can get back to that 4 eventually, just taking it one day at a time...

[Gowest]

I didn't think it would ever happen, but I'm a 0 now. (Voted moderate depression in the poll.)

[momtario]

48 (averaged my feelings/ thoughts from the last 2 weeks).

Much better than 78- (or the 83 I got only 5 weeks ago, and didn't post) I highly recommend the mood gym site.

[nonhere]

56.  Not good.

But just the list of questions has made a focus.

This is not me; this is depression.  This is not about the actual day-to-day problems I'm facing; this is depression.

That's nice to know.  Like I was saying to a friend today "I just have no emotional stability any more; I watch my reactions to things and think  - who is this?  Some 4-year-old?".

Called a therapist I used to work with; got that St John's Wort out of the cupboard!

[Simpleone]

Mar 2011- 44

Oct 2011- 38

Nov 2011- 25

Feb 2012- 20

May 2012- 15

I started an antidepressant that seems to work really well for me. The cloud has been lifted enough so I can work on those self-soothing techniques. I'm not anywhere near where I want to be- still overeating to compensate for negative feelings, but working on this.

This is proof that things indeed DO get better- I thought I would feel horrible forever, but in the last month, things have shifted. I am 1 year NC, 17 months out.

[bigblue]

I already knew I was really depressed, but I scored a 69. I have been living this way for 15 years and I hope I finally get some help, as I feel like its my last chance before I go completely insane. I am in the process of finding a therapist. I sometimes wonder how I have made it so far, but I just keep going. More out of fear of the unknown than anything else. Is anyone else severely depressed right now, too?

Looks like 3 months later, I am still at 69. Its weird how I came up with the exact same number, I didn't even remember what I got until I re read my post after I had re taken the test. Anyways, I am waiting for a state funded program to allow me to see a therapist and get medication. I had a psychological evaluation to be accepted into the program  a week ago and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

It was weird being "evaluated", but I did take what was clearly a personality disorder test, too. Passed that one and was greatly disturbed by the kinds of questions during the over 300 questions in the test book. Then, the psychologist talked to me for a bit. He seemed to think I was this outgoing, ambitious, young woman who was just in a bad situation... .all because I had traveled to a few countries by myself at some point. I thought that was a little ridiculous. Why are there so many quack shrinks that I have met? They seem to not have a clue about what I am all about. They take one look at me and my education and life experiences, and its like, "Why would you be depressed, bigblue?" At least they all recognize that I am intelligent. That always comes up. "Wow, you seem so intelligent... .tell me again why you are unemployed and supported by your mother that you hate and abuses you?"

I need therapy and I need medication. I'm a mess.

This state funded program could take up to 6 months to go through. In the mean time... .I am trying to keep myself together. How discouraging to read all of this and realize I am just sitting here, rotting away, and wasting my beautiful life. I cannot even appreciate anything anymore. It is the worst feeling in the world.

Still can't/don't want to kill myself. But, sometimes I wish I could. I wish I was dead, with no more stress. This stress is killing me, literally. I have been in constant "fight or flight" mode for YEARS. It KILLS BRAIN CELLS FOR GODSAKES! I am so confused and unable to think clearly right now. I hope I have a better update in another few months.

Okay, now 3 more months later. Today, I am scoring a 56, which is better than before. I am more bored outta my mind than anything. I recently tried taking an SSRI for depression and anxiety and I ended up having horrible (rare) side effects including fainting. So my doctor told me to stop taking it. I did. Basically have ended the idea of using SSRI's because of all of my horrible experiences with multiple different ones over the years. Then, I got a new doctor. He allowed me to take alprazolam, which helps great with the anxiety... .the depression, not so much. My feeling now is that a lot of this depression is situational. When I get isolated and have no support system or some sort of stress happens... .I cannot handle it and the depression turns on. Story of my life for over 15 years! I need some support! Unfortunately, that does not happen over night and I feel I will be alone and without support for a long time. : (

[turtle]

1st time I ever took this test was long before I even knew about bpdfamily. My Therapist, back in 2001, had me reading Feeling Good and I took the test weekly for awhile.  Back then, during the worst of my depression, I was scoring around the high 70's.

First time I took the test on this board was 8/24/08. - I scored 46.

2nd time I took this test (and posted about it) was 10/26/10. - I scored 60.

Today, my score is 63.

Dammit... .Life has been very hard for the last 10 years. I'm just so exhausted.

turtle

Took the test today and scored a 36!  YAY!  I'm coming out of the cloud!

turtle

Took this test today and scored a 26.  This is the lowest ever for me.  Depression has been a pervasive problem in my life for the last 11 years and I'm thrilled that I've finally turned a corner.

turtle

[upsidedown]

17.  Highest scores come from overeating and health concerns.  Zero to all self-harm questions.  No matter how violent and scary crazy ex got, nothing could ever push me that far.

Also feel anger issues are not properly addressed in the test.  I'm angry almost daily that he continues to paint me black in our mutual workplace.  Add 10 points to my score for having to practically bite my tongue off every time it becomes clear to me that he's done it again.  I hate the high road.  It's cold and lonely up here... .

[JimNelson89]

To day I am at 40.

[livednlearned]

Ugh. 70. In general I think I'm resilient and not too prone to depression, but I just had a setback. 18 months out of the r/s, 6 months divorced, one S10.

It's encouraging to see that other nons here get past depression. I sometimes wonder if having kids with your ex makes depression drag out, but I'm not far enough along in my own healing to feel optimistic. Maybe in a month I'll check back and see if my score improves.

[Aida]

I am 68 on depression test. I feel hopeless. Now that I am certain my loved one is BPD, I can't see any way out of this, because she won't get help. I can't hold her up anymore. I just want to stay in bed.

Aida

[bigblue]

I already knew I was really depressed, but I scored a 69. I have been living this way for 15 years and I hope I finally get some help, as I feel like its my last chance before I go completely insane. I am in the process of finding a therapist. I sometimes wonder how I have made it so far, but I just keep going. More out of fear of the unknown than anything else. Is anyone else severely depressed right now, too?

Looks like 3 months later, I am still at 69. Its weird how I came up with the exact same number, I didn't even remember what I got until I re read my post after I had re taken the test. Anyways, I am waiting for a state funded program to allow me to see a therapist and get medication. I had a psychological evaluation to be accepted into the program  a week ago and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

It was weird being "evaluated", but I did take what was clearly a personality disorder test, too. Passed that one and was greatly disturbed by the kinds of questions during the over 300 questions in the test book. Then, the psychologist talked to me for a bit. He seemed to think I was this outgoing, ambitious, young woman who was just in a bad situation... .all because I had traveled to a few countries by myself at some point. I thought that was a little ridiculous. Why are there so many quack shrinks that I have met? They seem to not have a clue about what I am all about. They take one look at me and my education and life experiences, and its like, "Why would you be depressed, bigblue?" At least they all recognize that I am intelligent. That always comes up. "Wow, you seem so intelligent... .tell me again why you are unemployed and supported by your mother that you hate and abuses you?"

I need therapy and I need medication. I'm a mess.

This state funded program could take up to 6 months to go through. In the mean time... .I am trying to keep myself together. How discouraging to read all of this and realize I am just sitting here, rotting away, and wasting my beautiful life. I cannot even appreciate anything anymore. It is the worst feeling in the world.

Still can't/don't want to kill myself. But, sometimes I wish I could. I wish I was dead, with no more stress. This stress is killing me, literally. I have been in constant "fight or flight" mode for YEARS. It KILLS BRAIN CELLS FOR GODSAKES! I am so confused and unable to think clearly right now. I hope I have a better update in another few months.

Okay, now 3 more months later. Today, I am scoring a 56, which is better than before. I am more bored outta my mind than anything. I recently tried taking an SSRI for depression and anxiety and I ended up having horrible (rare) side effects including fainting. So my doctor told me to stop taking it. I did. Basically have ended the idea of using SSRI's because of all of my horrible experiences with multiple different ones over the years. Then, I got a new doctor. He allowed me to take alprazolam, which helps great with the anxiety... .the depression, not so much. My feeling now is that a lot of this depression is situational. When I get isolated and have no support system or some sort of stress happens... .I cannot handle it and the depression turns on. Story of my life for over 15 years! I need some support! Unfortunately, that does not happen over night and I feel I will be alone and without support for a long time. : (

About a month later I am at 43. Guess the anti anxiety meds are doing some work. Also started therapy. Still feeling lost, alone, and like my life has hit a brick wall. And trying to deal with acceptance and forgiveness. This all takes time, but slowly it feels like it will get better. Today was a sad day (a holiday normally shared with friends and family), looking back on the past, mourning it. Then trying to think about the present, hating it. Then thinking about the future, fearing it. Taking little steps and trying not to be too hard on myself. The present is where we are supposed to be thinking, in our minds, supposedly. But how can you be satisfied in the present when everything presently sucks? Still here, still trying. Haven't given up yet.

[SWLSR]

I am a 16 have some anxieties about the future but I am okay for now. 

[kj1234]

12/8/09:  High, but didn't record

1/8/10: 18

3/7/10: 15

4/17/10: 25 (aftermath of tax day?  court decision pending; dissatisfied with L; false evidence certified by stbxw)

9/9/10: 15

1/3/11:  16

7/15/12: 20 (divorce ended five days ago.  Now on to the restraining order and trying not to be arrested doing so).

[dancinginthelight]

I scored 74, and I feel it  :'(

[NewPhoenixRising]

dancinginthedark, you inspired me to review the history of my depression.  I wrote my first depression timeline on here in 2009 and it was helpful for me to put myself 'back in time' and do this test at periods in my life.  

Age 17 - 51    Living in a chaotic hell of warring uPD parents (emotional abuse/neglect/no support) / Body Dysmorphic Disorder at its worst

Age 19 - 36    Out of uPD parents chaotic hell for 1 year.  Heavy binge drinking / uBody Dysmorphic Disorder / Very poor understanding of intimate relationships / relationship addict

Age 25 - 23  Self-esteem and some acceptance through meaningful work, sporadic college classes, friends, and gfs.  Had read and understood 'Adult Children: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families.  Still binge drinking / uBody Dysmorphic Disorder / Poor understanding of intimate relationships

Age (26-30) - (4-7)  Took 1 year to focus self (age 26) with no dating (bcs I realized I was acting as a r/s addict).  Consciously worked on controlling my drinking.  Focused efforts on work and finishing my degree.  At 28, attained a career position in work that was both rewarding and something that was a natural fit for my personality.  

Age 31 - 4   Bought first home.  Finances excellent.  Organized in most aspects of life.  Good friendships.  Relationships with family all non-dramatic and not unhealthy.  :)rinking mostly controlled.  BDD symptoms mostly under control.  Chose wrong partner (Waif uBPD) and asked her to marry me.  Still not understanding of healthy relationships.  

Age 32 - 73   5 months after sister's suicide (Life #2 starts here)  Had tried to focus on work, and didn't know how to grieve the loss.  Bought 2nd home with fiancee 3 months after sister's suicide.  Fiancee told me 'Shouldn't you be getting over this by now ?'  Put on administrative leave 5 months after sister's suicide bcs I had my only severe and debilitating panic attack/dissociate episode.  

Age 32 - 76   9 months after sister's suicide.  Forced out of my career position due to major depression / PTSD and trying 3 different anti-depressants, 2 of which made it drastically worse.  Ignorantly signed a waiver so my boss could talk to my psychiatrist.  This allowed them to both take on false views of my major depression, and led to me being forced out (I resigned with the 'Human Resources Director's' statement 'Either you resign or you will be terminated'.

Age 33 - 55   Ran my first marathon (in my sister's honor) and was in the best physical shape of my life (well, at least since high school . Thought that this would get me in the state of mind that I could 'conquer anything'. Distrust of mental health care professionals (due to the psychiatrist mentioned above).  Lost 2 homes due to loss of career and major depression / PTSD.  Lost financial stability.    Met uNPD sociopath in my most vulnerable state.  :)iscovered this site, read 'Understanding the Borderline Mother', and first understood the impact of my mother on our entire family.  

Age 34 - 85   (December during coming out of the FOG of relationship with uNPD sociopath and having moved  back in with uBPDm and uNPD workaholic/alcoholic dad to 'get back on my feet', to 'fix' my FOO relationships with uPD parents  , and to 'rescue' my father from his health issues by taking over some farm operations - dumbest decision of my life)  I checked myself into a hospital when I was driving back from checking on the sociopath one night (who was cheating on me) after Christmas.  I thought a couple of times about pulling the wheel of my Jeep into a bridge imbunkment while alternating between anger and crying uncontrollably.  I stayed at the hospital for my 3 day evaluation, and checking myself in there was one of the better decisions I ever made to care for myself.

Age (34-37) - (50-70) 3 of 4 of my grandparents died in a one year span (age 35).  Moved out of parents house after 18 months of re-visiting hell - still the worst judgement I ever had to move back in with them when I had other options.  Started dating my current fiancee.  She and her son moved in with me after about a year or so of dating.  :)oing contract work and still working with my father.  LC with my mother, and beginning acceptance that she will not change and I cannot 'fix' her.  

Age 38 - (34)  (excerpted from this thread)

today - radical (universal) acceptance is a tool, and understanding, that I never had before.  I let go of the attachments to my mom - need for validation, acceptance, nurturing.  Relationship headed for a step back, but with perspective, I am now seeing some PD characteristics in my gf of 3+ years.  Struggling to resume my career, get my finances under control and back on track, and work on my lost social connections.  I am medication-free, and drug-free for that matter (never have done drugs).  I don't abuse alcohol.  I am starting to sleep better and eat better.  I began exercising again.  Now it is freezing here and we are about to get a foot of snow, but I am still in a good mood  

After really hanging on the last few years, I feel relieved to be where I am at today.  

Age 38 (5 days later) - (23) - (excerpted from this thread)

I just worked on radical acceptance this morning and had a really positive experience.  My score 5 days ago was 34.  Today it is 23.  Just shows me that there is a daily variation in perspective to this stuff.  

Age 39 - (21) - (excerpted from this thread)

21 today despite landing a job that I am very excited about and will resume my career.  Unfortunately, it coincides with the same weekend that my gf and her son are moving out.  (We are working out some things.  She has been either been actively in the military herself, living with me, or married to someone in the military all but two years since graduating high school.  And those two (separate) years were spent at her mothers getting back on her feet after two separations).  So she wants to have the experience of being self-sufficient so she knows that she does not have to be dependent.  Also, we will both be working on our own issues in this time.  Because we will both be working full-time jobs (and I will also be maintaining self-employment part-time) and will both be taking classes (her full-time, me part-time), I have my doubts that we will have time enough to work on our relationship issues.  I have told her this from the start, and still feel this way, although I still love her and I know she still loves me.

Age 40 - (19)  Acceptance of my 'whole self' has brought such relief to my life.  My discovery of radical acceptance (of things outside myself) 2 years ago laid the foundation for me to become soft within, accepting of myself good and bad, and not defensive of anything.  The reason that I'm still mildly depressed - I have been unable to follow through with marriage 2 years in a row with my fiancee (6 year r/s).  I'm much less harsh in judgements of myself, but this is a difficult issue bcs it goes back to FOO again, which I thought I had buried.  I've hurt my fiancee with this and I fear that we may not make it.  This is cause for further depression because of not only the possible loss of our relationship, but that it would cause trauma for her/our 8 year old son.  

Just as I felt much relief 2 years ago with radical acceptance of external things, this accepting of my 'whole self' has brought the same kind of relief.  I feel that moving forward I'm much more equipped to accept my emotions.  I can live with them now instead of feeling like I'm 'hanging on'.  So wherever my depression level goes from here, I have the tools to feel relief.  

[Aida]

NewPhoenixRising,

I was very moved by the  timeline of your life. I would like to do the same, and I will, but I first want to say that you are a kind and gentle soul. It sounds like you survived a very difficult childhood, with parents who were just not--able. I'm sure they loved you the best way they knew how, but it still does not excuse the damage they caused.

I, too, am a surviver of my sister's suicide. Thirteen years ago she hanged herself. I grew up in a very affluent area where my sister's mental illness was shhhhhhhhhhhh, most of the time. My father is a judge, and I believe there was a reputation to keep when, really, there should have been an invervention.

I have been in therapy for about ten months, as I finally had to open the curtain and acknowledge the dysfunction of my family. I truly believed that my family was normal, my parents were perfect, and my sister's issues were all her own--and mine, because I blamed myself. I family was big but I was closest to her, and a week before she hanged herself, she called me and told me it would be my fault because I was not there for her enough. A few days before th suicide, she called to apologize and told me I was her dearest sister. I couldn't remember that call of forgiveness until it came up in therapy. All I could think of was her telling me that she was a bloodied animal in the road, and I was just driving right past her. My therapist helped me see that I did not have to pack around that heavy load of guilt and then her last call to me surfaced.

I still suffer. I still deal with major depression and anxiety, and it has been a long and painful journey.

When I read your lifestory, and realized the impetus was to touch souls with dancinginthedark, If these deep gratitude, that I am allowed to share in your gentle love and leap of faith that sharing your story might help another. I think it might have been cathartic to write it all down. What do you think?

Can you share how it felt to write details of your journey, here on the board?

A kindred spirit,

Aida

[NewPhoenixRising]

Thanks for your kind words Aida.  I'm sorry your sister completed suicide also     So difficult.  

I do hope others including dancinginthedark can see by my timeline that major depression is temporary.  It also helps me to write it out like that so I can be less harsh in judgements of myself.  I feel like I didn't accomplish as much as I wanted to during those years following my sister's suicide, and it's helpful to see all that I as dealing with at the time.  The trauma and healing process got quite complicated during that time, and it helps to see why it took so long.

I'll be looking forward to viewing your post here also  

[Simpleone]

Mar 2011- 44

Oct 2011- 38

Nov 2011- 25

Feb 2012- 20

May 2012- 15

July 2012- 6

Wow! Not 100% by any means, but doing MUCH better. I am 19 months out.

[struggli]

69.

No, that's not a sexual reference.  In fact, sex, one of my favorite things is now a trigger for me.  I just think about how I'm not getting it and how the girl I love is probably getting banged by a different guy every night.

Almost 2 weeks into yet another silent treatment with uBPDgf.  Don't know if we are even in a relationship anymore.  Nothing was ever discussed.  She just says she needs space.

[ShadesofGray]

0= Not at all        1=Somewhat        2=Moderately        3=A lot        4=Extremely        

4 Feeling sad or down in the dumps?

4 Feeling unhappy or blue?

1 Crying spells or tearfulness?

4 Feeling discouraged?

3 Feeling hopeless?

4 Low self esteem?

4 Feeling worthless or inadequate?

4 Guilt or shame?

3 Criticizing yourself or blaming yourself?

4 Difficulty making decisions?

4 Loss of interest in family or friends?

4 Loss of motivation?

4 Loss of interest in work or other activities?

4 Loss of pleasure or satisfaction in life?

4 Feeling tired?

4 Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much?

3 Decreased or increased appetite?

3 Loss of interest in sex?

3 Worry about your health?

2 Do you have any suicidal thoughts?

1 Would you like to end of life?

0 Do you have a plan for harming yourself?

Total: 71. Yikes.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm on antidepressants and I see T once or twice a week, and he is fantastic. Why do I still feel this way.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[livednlearned]

45, down from 70.

4 Feeling sad or down in the dumps?

4 Feeling unhappy or blue?

1 Crying spells or tearfulness?

2 Feeling discouraged?

3 Feeling hopeless?

2 Low self esteem?

1 Feeling worthless or inadequate?

1 Guilt or shame?

2 Criticizing yourself or blaming yourself?

1 Difficulty making decisions?

4 Loss of interest in family or friends?

2 Loss of motivation?

1 Loss of interest in work or other activities?

1 Loss of pleasure or satisfaction in life?

4 Feeling tired?

4 Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much?

4 Decreased or increased appetite?

4 Loss of interest in sex?

4 Worry about your health?

0 Do you have any suicidal thoughts?

0 Would you like to end of life?

0 Do you have a plan for harming yourself?

I thought I'd check back in after doing this over a month ago. I had a setback June 16 and wanted to see if some time would help the healing, and it did, but the setback triggered a bad experience with my family  :'( I can see the direct line between the r/s with my father and marrying N/BPDxh. 

I'm also in a Phd program and work full-time, and have my S11, and live far from my closest, dearest friends. I'm trying to build my support network close by, and need to get back to exercising again with S11 after falling out of the routine 6 weeks ago. S11 is now with me 24/7 while we are in a custody dispute, which is good because he is not with N/BPDxh. But it also means there is no downtime for me to get much schoolwork done. Big things keep falling through the cracks and I feel so weary from it all. I keep oversleeping and there are days I don't leave the house when I'm working from home.

Things that are good:

My son. I love him so much my heart bursts. He is funny, bright, interesting, and curious about everything. And he is doing so well these days.

My coworkers and boss. They are awesome and so supportive. Everyone has a good sense of humor.

My friends. I have the most amazing, loving, wonderful, funny, wise friends.

My lawyer. She tries to save me money and respects me, and despite how anxious and worried I feel, I think she is doing a good job.

My job. I love what I do. It's never dull and I'm good at what I do.

My home, even though it's rented. It's in a safe neighborhood and it's a nice place.

My health is okay. I lost a lot of weight and am trying to eat healthy and get regular exercise.

I have a custody hearing on August 29 and I am hopeful that things will get better after that. I will be broke from the legal bills and tuition, so that's unfortunate. But by then I hope to have more information, maybe even more certainty, about what's happening with custody.

[Jagged]

I got 39 on this. I guess I will check back in about a month.

[bluebond6]

Just scored a 45 which puts me right there in the middle of the mix. I don't think of myself as depressed, but I know things are not right in my primary relationship which is very depressing after all it's been through.

[nowayjose]

i got a 43, moderately depressed ... .