My internal rollercoaster is still rolling

[PDQuick]

Hey folks. Been quiet on my end for various reasons. I am still riding an internal rollercoaster, and I really would like it to stop.

I posted last week about how I was feeling good, and was flirty. Now, that has been replaced by missing having someone there. I hate to say it, but I find myself thinking about her alot. I know that I dont want her back in my life, but I want those "feeling" moments that you get with someone else. I want to experience things with someone, and since she was my last, and longest relationship, I keep thinking about all the good times we had, and all the fun we managed to squeeze out of that terrible relationship. I guess they call this lonliness. It is somber, and really, kinda tough to get through.

I miss having someone to come home to. Not that it was all that pleasant, but she was there. I miss getting a hug every once in a while. I miss having someone in my life that I know, and that knows me like that. I miss having someone to talk to, and talk back to me. I miss the little things, like looking over and seeing her asleep on the couch, or playing a game. I guess I miss the human interaction that comes with the long relationship. I find myself trying to get it from here at times, or friends. But it just isnt the same. I know that she is bad for me, and I will have no true happiness with her. But, I have called her, just to hear her voice, and that didnt go too well. It just reinforces why I am so much better off.

I know this too shall pass, but I wonder if any of you guys have experienced it at all? I wont become weak and try to get her back, but I long for the companionship. I guess I am finally mourning the passing of the relationship, rather than handling the drama of it all. I am not sad, hurt, nor am I the happiest person right now, just somber. I guess numb would be a good way of putting it. It is a liberrating feeling knowing that I dont ever want to be with her again, but it also has its moments of saddness, knowing all that I had prayed for, and hoped will never come into fruition. It has been 11 months. 11 painful, confusing, and trying months. The only thing left is to move on, and face my future. I think that is where I am at.

Any thoughts?

[elphaba]

Don't know if it helps...but, I think I am in much of the same boat as you Quick...the holidays especially start bringing out that wishing I had someone to share it with, look forward to seeing, get a hug from...etc...

I miss having someone in my life that I know, and that knows me like that. I miss having someone to talk to, and talk back to me. I miss the little things...

I think that describes it very well...Companionship...that is what I miss (course most of the time we were together he wasn't even providing that) but, without anyone, it certainly does get lonely.

Last good hug I had was from you guys in NY...

[Bitzee]

PD, you made me cry.  I've been feeling exactly the same way...

The weird thing is I've hardly ever cried over any of it;  I'm that jaded.

[PDQuick]

Thanks Elphie. (((((Elph))))))

Bitzee, it really is ok. We are where we are. The good news is, it isnt permanent. We have all been through alot, and we will all live to love again. It is just that we all have to heal completely before we move on, or carry our wounds into the next relationship. We deserve so much better than to start something else out while hurting, just to let our hurts inhibit us, and guard uo from another person that may not want to cause us harm.

Cry, my dear Bitzee, it isnt bad, let it out. It is a part of the process. It is good for you to let it out and show emotion. The most important thing to remember when we are here, is that this is not it, it will get better, each and every day we step forward is a day closer to the place we want to be. The hardest thing for me to remember is that during our journey, we will have bad days. They are there for a reason. I think they are there to humble us, and not let us forget what we have come through. But, then again, I may be wrong. I dont know, Im still going down the road.

[carolt0604]

First let me (((((hug u)))))) and let you know I understand completely, I could have wrote your post myself , it has been 14 mos. for me and not an easy 14 mos.  I understand what you feel as somber, numb, I feel exactly the same way, I get melancholy and think about some good things, but then I remember how I felt that fear and helplesness welling up again when I remember the rages, abuse, etc.  Unfortunately I have had to go serious LC and have had to keep our children from him as he is in his state of severe depression without a job, and told our 6 year old that he will probably be living in a shelter.  I let things go on with him for 19 years with our kids and see the emotional scars that our 19 yo and 15 yo have, and I refuse to let his illness affect them anymore.  The hardest part is when people say, oh how could you not let them see their father, I now tell them none of your business.  Sorry to get off track about your feelings.  Just know that you are certainly not alone.  I get flirty alot, then I get like you say "somber" and don't want to be bothered by the same man that I was in fact flirting with the week before because I get in that mourning stage like you.

[TonyC]

i know what your feeling quick...hey i will speak here as us... cause sht we are the same in our paths...i just have the extra little added psych wards. , and ro's

yes quick your heart wants it... but i think weve reached the point... where our minds are protecting us...i think my brain makes me slam my hand in a car door when ever my heart starts to feel something towards her...

it cant be quick...not for me not for you... weve seen the movie a thousand times... and there is only one survivor  us...

look at things pd... how long are we together...has anything changed..., if i wanted her back , i just got to call... same for you... but you dont...

you want the memeoreis ...the sunsets, the laughs, but on the same token you dont want the rest of the bullsht...the lack of trust , the raging, the daily i dont want to go home feeling...

you have the memories... thats all they will ever be...and thats whats keeping you in the game...but your not seeing the big picture...

and the song remains the same...i know i rambled her a bit pd...but you need to realise , wiegh the pros and the cons...

[Up Out of It]

I hear you brother.  ((((PDQuick))))

Whenever I think of her I force myself to think something awful of her and that I am glad we don't have children that she will torture later in life.

[PDQuick]

I dont want her back, just mourning the person I had hoped she would be. Thats all. Mourning the person, I thought I had. It seems to be a common trait to all of us here.

[TonyC]

hopes a funny thing... isnt it quick...

eventually ... the flame flickers out...and your left in the dark till the sun comes up...

(i dont know where this sht is coming from..maybe some of lennic has rubbed off,)

tony

[PDQuick]

That is funny on several levels Tony. I explained to my ex, just before she got married, that each of our loves were like a fire. Mine was like an oak log, it is hard to get started, but once started, will grow and burn hot, long and consistant. Once it is time to go out, the flames gradually die, and the embers burn for a long time. Her love was like a cottonball. Ignites very quickly, and burns hot for just a short while, and when it is out, it is out quickly, and with nothing left.

I am sitting here, with a smoldering ember bed, and she has gone through several cottonballs.

[Mount Si]

It's funny (not ha ha but interesting) how this part of the roller coaster still exists for us.  Maybe it's the holidays, maybe it's just the cycle of things, but I am spending some time thinking about what once was (or at least what I thought once was) and finding myself lonely and sort of grieving the loss of the dream.  We've been having some weird weather here and the flu is making a raid and when you don't feel good, the sense of loss seems to be amplified. 

Take care and good luck. 

Mountie

[turtle]

Hey Quick --

I don't know what to tell you except that what you are feeling is normal and it's part of the process.  I can tell you this (because I'm a little ahead of you in this crap) that the day does come where you don't mourn the relationship, you don't think about what it SHOULD'VE been, or feel saddened by the fact that your fantasy relationship was a bold faced lie.   It took me a very long time, but the day really did arrive when I just didn't think of it that way anymore. 

It doesn't help the sadness and emptiness that you're feeling right now, but just know from someone who's made it to the other side, it will not always feel this way.  I promise!

Turtle

[Bent]

This too shall pass.  Let it go and accept yourself and the life you have made.  Use the memory of the past to choose a wiser path in the future.

Each day brings a new beginning.

You will survive.

[StreetSmart]

Dear PD:

Sorry for my late response..work gets in the way too often of the more important things in life: like reading/posting...

Read of yer troubles...repeat after me: This Sucks...

You betcha and no sugar coat ever make s##t taste like mocha fudge no how...if ya get my meanin', if ya get my drift...

It Sucks, plain and simple...

The dream was always cooler...haddta be...we not be stupid Y chroms and select cheap-flash on purpose...if we only knew

The hard part for me is that I was into XX chroms since bein' a young'un...last Christmas marked the first time in 42 years that I have not had a XX chrom under the arm durin' the season...

Big hole there...

It hurts much less this year than last, but hurts nevertheless..can't tell ya it will die away completely...

Otherwise she didn't really mean that much to ya or ya didn't give it yer all...which as I read/know ya have...

It is precisely because of thls that I believe you/I can always conjure up that pain...but it will be to a lesser degree over time...

Forget it/her and there is more bad news...ya got Altzheimer's 

Least that's what I be thinkin'


Street

[carolt0604]

Speaking of roller coaster, I said to my ex in one of his crying, pleading re-engagements that I am not going to live on the roller coaster.  He said WHAT you were right there riding it with me.  I agree with him in one respect, because if I didn't get on that coaster with him, boy did it hear it.  Never heard the end of it.  On and on and on.  So I say yes I did get on and ride, but not because I agreed with him, just because of plain ole fear of the reprecussions.

[gary1958]

Hey PDQuick... You have posted a lot of insightful and supportive comments on my threads... Let me try and return the favour...I think what you need to do right now is step back and seperate the whole issue of BPD from the issue of grieving... What you are feeling right now are the same feelings you would feel if you lost a wife of 20 yrs.. the void.. can I replace it.. will i ever find THAT again...the BPD didnt cause you to feel like this.. the loss did.. whether a death or that toxic thing called BPD.. the loss is the same with different reasons and different emotional chaos.. nonetheless.. it is a loss.. try to approach it that way.. Im out 9 months.. never thought i would get here.. we all grieve at our own speed and in our own ways.. you too will come out the other side to love again.. and have THAT love... might be in a different package but u will and it will be healthy... take the time to breath .. gods speed

[thomaso61]

Confession of the "non poster." 

Yup, I've been feeling the exact same way as everyone else. I think ti comes with the season. I actually thought about breaking NC to say hello. WTH am I thinking? After all the mental, emotional and financial crap she put me through, how can I even think this way? It's not like I ever want to get caught up in her drama again. It seems the stronger I get mentally the more I want to see what's going on up there in good old Charlotte.

So PDQ, yeah, call it lonliness, the season, whatever...

Where's Lennic when you need him?

He'd say something like:

It's better to have loved an entire ocean and lost in the current of life than to catch a flight on a hummingbird's wing destined towards Jack Nicolson in "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest"

Then again...Maybe not! LMAO!  <:-)  

Happy Holidays all...I think we need each other to get us through the holidays. I'm glad you posted cause it's nice to know I'm not the only one.

One last thought: Sometimes I think and wait for the explanation in an email or letter I know will never ever come. It's just not in their conscience. That's tough!

[jophil28]

That is funny on several levels Tony. I explained to my ex, just before she got married, that each of our loves were like a fire. Mine was like an oak log, it is hard to get started, but once started, will grow and burn hot, long and consistant. Once it is time to go out, the flames gradually die, and the embers burn for a long time. Her love was like a cottonball. Ignites very quickly, and burns hot for just a short while, and when it is out, it is out quickly, and with nothing left.

I am sitting here, with a smoldering ember bed, and she has gone through several cottonballs.

Wow,does this post ring some bells for me.

I had a Personality Dis woman in my life thru all of 2006 .WE broke up a year ago. I am having an "anniversary reaction" . She is toxic in the extreme and I know that I never want her and her rollercoaster back, EVER, BUT i still yearn for the "good things'' that we had together.

I am about ready to post my story here and I hope that you wise folk can help me unravel this train wreck. My counsellor avoided " naming " whatever her disorder is. I am left in confusion and hurt. I am a physical scientist. Categorizing is in my nature and in my training.

is 

[eastmeetswest]

...and there they stood back to back, facing each other, sword in hand...or something like that...

For me, don't miss the x and don't want to know...but the dog...

[NewLifeforHGG]

Weird you posted this because I know exactly what you are feeling.

I am starting to want to be with someone again.

I am starting to want to be part of a couple. Not enough to do much about it but enough to make me feel like I miss some of the good times. Not enough to want him back but enough to remember how it felt to be with someone and having fun. Or better, wanting to be held again and be intimate with someone.

It is hard to articulate but I am with you.

I saw my ex earlier for a visitation with my daughter and he did a great job of reminding me why he is wrong for me, not that I was considering getting back with him, but he reinforces it every time I see him.

Together we can get through this. :-* :-* :-*

[gingie]

Hey Quick, just want to let you know that I know exactly what you are feeling. Everything that you described in your post, I am feeling.  I could cry my eyes out today.  This is so tough...

Hugs to you Quick. (and everyone else that is struggling.)

[Silas Pseudonym]

Hi PD,

Your firewood analogy was very eloquent.

gm

[PDQuick]

Thanks all of you, Im really glad we could talk about this and not keep it locked inside. It isnt good to hide things from ourselves. It isnt right to keep it all bottled up inside.

The longer I am out of this relationship, the more I am realizing just what it really was, or wasnt, and what it was all about. I see, very clearly now, that she really never changed in the dynamic that I thought. She stayed pretty true to herself. Yes, she raged, and then quieted, cheated, lied and manipulated, but she did all of this consistantly. It was my perception of her that changed so much. It was my wanting her to be what I thought she could be that kept me there. It was my desire for the perfect compliment tp my life.

She would lie to me and tell me things would be different. I would believe her. She would do things behind my back, and I would find out about them, and she would deny it, and I would believe her. I believed her because, in her lies, was the perfect companion. I wanted the woman she pretended to be, not the one she actually showed me she was. I wanted the woman in my mind, not hers. That is why I believed the lies, because it fit my image. I discarded the truth because it wasnt the person I wanted.

It was my delusion, backed up by her lies that kept me there. I believed in my dreams, and not in my eyes. It was me the entire time.

I say all of this, because I dont want her back, and I do see clearly now. I miss her, I think, but what I miss is the illusion that my mind and her lies made. You may as well say that I fell in love with, and miss, a ficticious character in some forgotten book.

Now, the next question, am I the only one, and if so or not, what do I do with this knowledge? Am I looking for another compliment to my life that will just fill the void, rather than paint the picture with beautiful colors? Am I going to settle with something less than what I need to cast this stone from my stomach? I think I have already, and it turned out that this time, I stood true to myself, and didnt give in. Finally, a step for me, but is that it? I wish for ESP to see the future. To tell you guys the truth, I am scared of this lonliness, as it lead to the last catastrophe.

[StreetSmart]

Dear PD:

I wish for ESP to see the future.

No you don't..not really...It'll just give you more stuff to be anxious about...not less.

Until you get a handle on, and control of, your anxiety, you will make desparate moves, and you will live in terror of an anticipated bleak tommorrow and remain rooted in a bleak recent past...

Least that's what I be thinkin'


Street

[faux]

i agree with Steet.  You don't want ESP. 

[JoannaK]

I miss having someone to come home to. Not that it was all that pleasant, but she was there. I miss getting a hug every once in a while. I miss having someone in my life that I know, and that knows me like that. I miss having someone to talk to, and talk back to me. I miss the little things, like looking over and seeing her asleep on the couch, or playing a game. I guess I miss the human interaction that comes with the long relationship. I find myself trying to get it from here at times, or friends. But it just isnt the same. I know that she is bad for me, and I will have no true happiness with her. But, I have called her, just to hear her voice, and that didnt go too well. It just reinforces why I am so much better off.

I know this too shall pass, but I wonder if any of you guys have experienced it at all? I wont become weak and try to get her back, but I long for the companionship. I guess I am finally mourning the passing of the relationship, rather than handling the drama of it all. I am not sad, hurt, nor am I the happiest person right now, just somber. I guess numb would be a good way of putting it. It is a liberrating feeling knowing that I dont ever want to be with her again, but it also has its moments of saddness, knowing all that I had prayed for, and hoped will never come into fruition. It has been 11 months. 11 painful, confusing, and trying months. The only thing left is to move on, and face my future. I think that is where I am at.


Any thoughts?

I missed all of this too, PDQ...  I missed all of this when I was with him.  I reminded myself that, if I really wanted this kind of intimacy again, I had to divorce him and eventually meet someone else.  I couldn't have what I wanted, what I missed, if I stayed in the relationship...   and depended on him for that kind of intimacy.  You didn't have that stuff with her... not with any consistency.  She was not a partner, not a companion, except here and there, and less as the years went by. 

If you want that kind of stuff, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Better to be by youself for awhile than to be miserable. 

[eastmeetswest]

Do you have a dog or kitty?

[JoannaK]

Two dogs are better, emw... especially two big ones that keep your feet warm when it is cold and snowy out!

[tigertime]

To tell you guys the truth, I am scared of this lonliness, as it lead to the last catastrophe.

PDQ - the fact that you can write this should give you hope that you are not going to just settle for second best.  I think you are one of the most self-aware people around here and I have learned so much from your posts.  You take responsibility for your own stuff without beating yourself up and you are brave and honest as well as compassionate.  You have been incredibly hurt and though you have been angry, you have not become bitter. 

I've been missing ex too - red flags in longterm marriage now I look back but mostly good until last few years when we hit OZ bigtime.  I was low last night and pulled out my journal from two years ago.  Reading about the madness, pain and guilt (knew nothing about BPD - thought it was all my fault) probably made me feel more sad but it also banished the feelings of wishing we were back together!  Still, the problem we probably all have is that in amongst those bad memories are all the good ones - those times that kept us hanging in there.

I won't necessarily miss him at Christmas (wasn't his favourite holiday).  I will have as many Christmas tree lights as I want and not feel bad about how much I spend.

PDQ - it's no doubt frustrating having those flirty feelings then being low but at least you've still got it in you!  As those who are further on than us keep telling us, it's not going to be easy but we'll get there.  Who knows what 2008 will bring for you...all good things i hope.

[Samuell]

Hi, I think we all know what this feels like.

I found myself thinking about her when we met and how much I thought of her then. I allowed myself the enjoyment of remembering a good moment. And then a healthy new part of my brain jolted me back to reality in a way that it never used to.

I think it's too early since the split and I'm still too hurt to really dream about wanting her back. I am enjoying my own company.

Sure the holidays will suck sometimes. But at least they'll be real.

One day, we all might find real people to share life with. Here's hoping!

Sam