God Bless all of you! Everyone had helped me so much and sometimes I feel much better.

Someone replied to one of my posts and used the word triangulation.  What does triangulation mean?

Hi Ve01603

I'm on the Healing board but as triangulation has been a regular fixture in my life since I was a child, thought I would add to your thread (hope thats okay  )

My NPD/uBPD stepfather is a master at triangulation.  When used regularly, it becomes a communication pattern - with one family member acting as the messenger or go between, rather than speaking directly with the person whom they want to communicate.  For example:

Mum and dad have a fight.  Rather than Dad going to Mum and communicating directly with her, Dad goes to 10 year old Billy and says, "Billy, will you go and ask your mother if she's still mad at me?  Tell her I didn't mean what I said, and ask her if she wants to go out for dinner."  Billy, thinking he's helping, does what he's asked.  Mum says, "Billy, tell your father I wouldn't go out for dinner with him if he was the last person on earth.  And you go and clean your room like I've already told you an hour ago."

Billy was trying to help get Mum and Dad back together, but he ended up with Mum taking out her anger at Dad on him, he was then left feeling that he was part of the problem.  

Obviously, the above example could be tailored to fit any relationship, not just a family one.  When triangulation becomes a regular feature in any relationship, communication becomes blurred and people become enmeshed in problems that aren't theirs becoming pawns in power struggles.  

Children who grow up with lots of triangulation between adults at home, may come to believe this is 'normal' behaviour and may repeat patterns in their own adult lives.  It may be this was a staple in your SO's childhood?  I know my ensister communicates in this way with her husband and me to some extent - she has recreated the dysfunctional system she grew up in.

This was a hard one to deal with. My expwBPD would try to recruit me to stand against anyone she had a conflict or a disagreement with, from her best friend to my friends.  

If I took her side, she felt that she was right and she felt better, even in situations where she obviously wasn't right.

Triangulation is a very common family system dynamic.  We all do this.

It's important to recognize it in ourselves when we do it.  It's also helps to understand why someone else is doing it.

As Skip says, triangulation is just a way to (usually, unconsciously and/or habitually) reduce anxiety between two individuals by recruiting a third individual rather than problem solving.  That's all it is.    

After reading the responses. Some of that makes sense. I thought it was a tool to just create jealousy with other men. But While thinking back over other incidents and reading the responses. I see can be with anybody. Her co-workers, other men, child, friends.

Common Misuses of "Triangulation"



Following up on misuse of the term, below are some other incorrect uses of the term... . I want to emphasize that this is not intended to criticize any member - the misunderstanding of this term is widespread and involves many more members than listed here. We're just pointing this out so that we may be mindful to others to use this term/concept in a productive way. Here is an good example of the term used constructively <<here>>

Here are some common misuses... .

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I think I need to read more about the term you used "triangulation " because I often felt like I was somehow involved in a sort of tug of war with her exes, or a competition of sorts, even though I never met them and despite it not being my usual way of relating to people. It's hard to describe but it was like she was  "hinting" about still having some sort of connection to them that was flirty and intimate oriented.

See quote in context

It's just a form of triangulation when they do this. "I've been to see her [another women] because I know it's gonna piss you off. You don't like it? What's your problem? She's just a friend! See how mature I am... ."

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She won't let NC ever happen and I'm honestly not strong enough to not respond all the time. I was making so much progress but then I'm having a setback and just feel like doing something extreme. I don't know... maybe its a bad idea but I can't take this triangulation anymore.

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Do you think she recycled him because she was in constant contact with him because of their son, or did she plan on recycling him all along and just used me for triangulation ?

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Triangulation . The more I see this word the more I dislike it.  I struggled with this for so long, (before I knew about BPD) I thought he was confused, or a cheater, or not ready to commit and settle down and now I am learning this is a real trait for a pwBPD.  It is a real term and a common occurrence.

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In my experience as she sets the hook in the next one and proceeds with triangulation , she will periodicaly check back on you to see where you are at.

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a couple weeks after my ex moved out she was calling/texting vague but suggestive things like "i'll be thinking about you", etc. it felt fake to me, i was still very torn up inside and i felt she was being a fraud b/c her current r/s obviously wasn't all she made it out to be. i knew she was just using me to get some mental relief, which i now realize is what triangulation is.

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Triangulation - find alternative relationships

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i'm just flowing here--but many people have alluded to this, i just found out about this term here. the "want to have his cake and eat it too" is Triangulation

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The other women were triangulation; a BPD gets too close to you, they feel engulfed, need to find someone to idealize, a different phase of the pathology.

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Another thing is triangulation.  She will probably show that pic to the new victim, or let him find it himself, to put him on edge and in competition with you, so she's in control right off the bat.

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If he starts to triangulate,you make the decision when you've had enough. You'll know it when you see it.

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You mentioned that he is seeing someone else... .be wary of triangulation.

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MaybeSo, I'm intrigued ... .what is self abandonment?

So we've been involved with someone who may in fact love us, but can't remain consistently close due to abandonment fears. We do everything we can to help alleviate those, but our attempts just help to drive the other person even farther away. Which leaves us as the abandoned ones. In trying so hard to help them not feel so abandoned, to prove that we're not like that, we end up abandoning ourselves.

In the end, coming through our healing, we've still been abandoned by them in some ways but have reclaimed ourselves. They'll wind up both abandoned by us (even if this is just in their own minds) AND by themselves. Such a sad, strange situation.

Triangulation isn't unique to BPD. We do it as well and we've experienced it.

It isn't a "technique" that one studies. It comes naturally to those who seek validation.We see it here on the boards with ourselves.We triangulate the person with BPD with those on the board. In turn,we're validated. We take on the role of victim, the person with BPD as the perpetrator,and those on the boards act as rescuers.

It takes work to get off,and stay off, the "triangle". You no longer see yourself as the "victim" or the pwBPD as the "persecutor". It doesn't mean that they will do the same. This is where you take control of yourself and step back. You no longer participate.

What this does is defuse the situation and releases you from the guilt, control, and obligation. (See how all of this goes hand in hand?)

It took me a long to realize that I don't have to particpate in triangulation.Once you're able to let go though,you learn when to communicate and when not to.That helps greatly in moving forward and sticking to your boundaries.

HardTruth, I don't think there is a clinical term.  Fallback lover (fallback man, etc.) is the common slang term.  There are many reasons why people line up others as fallback partners. Often they fear being alone or fear what it means to be alone, especially if they derive their personal worth from being partnered up or buy into the erroneous view that couplehood enhances their value. Sometimes people feel vulnerable because they love the person so much and they fear loosing them.  Sometimes, people hate not having someone to care for or to take care of them. If such people see singlehood on the horizon, they make doubly sure there is somebody else on deck. Breakups are difficult even if you are the one initiating the split. In many ways, a breakup is a loss or a failure. We or the pwBPD might feel guilty. Sometimes we like the person even if we don’t wish to remain romantically together permanently. So, when suspecting there might be a breakup soon, it feels much better to be swept up in the excitement of a new person rather than tolerating feelings of sadness, loneliness or guilt.

The message we try to convey here is that it is healthier to spend time figuring out why the relationship didn’t work, what we might do differently next time, whether the relationship was worth saving or how we might choose a more suitable partner.

And all of the above should not be confused with Substitute lover which is when a new lover is taken as a proxy for a night or a week when the main lover is not available.  The psychology behind this can be validation, spite, instant gratification, etc.

I was considering my thoughts on this when I noticed Skip's mention of "jargon". There's certainly no shortage of jargon (occasionally to the point of seeming cliché) in the personality disorder lexicon. It should be noted that the word "triangulation", and it's implied definition, is not to be found in the DSM or Millon's subtypes criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder. A valid topic for discussion, to be sure, but one of the greater scope of Human nature.

Triangulation is part of a BPD's standard toolkit.  A tool which they intuitively wield with the skill of a master.

I look at triangulation in a broader perspective as one party(Leader) pitting two parties(Follower and Enemy) against each other for the perceived gain of one or two of the parties.  In Karpman terms, the rescuer(Follower) and the victim(Leader) "benefit" together against the abuser(Enemy).  A political triangle would involve the politician(Leader) pitting groups against each other to the benefit of the politician and a politically favored group who are pitted against the enemy.  

Triangulation is a natural part of the human social condition.  As other posters have pointed out family triangulations seem to be very common too.  

A borderline uses forms of triangulation because they simply work for them.  Triangulation automatically screens out those who are unwilling to play into the triangle thereby leading the BPD afflicted person to a more than ready source of willing supply lined up to meet their perceived needs of the moment.  Much like the premature "I love you" statements, the borderline is an expert at identifying those who are susceptible to them and exploiting them using a variety of tactics.  These tactics are honed by years of experience and are only effective on those who are predisposed.

Triangulation is an excellent first screening tool for a borderline in its never ending quest for the perfect host.  I had known mine for years and she played victim so many times against her exH that everyone hated him.  HNM included.  Recent events have proven to HNM that everything she said about him for all of those years were total lies.  In retrospect, I now know that what she did was triangulation.  At the time, I just saw a poor little thing who was not being taken care off properly by a sorry slacker.  Little did I know the truth.

I will freely admit that her triangulations with me on her exH drew me into her web of deceit.

What I find helpful about the concept of triangulation, was understanding that humans tend to gravitate toward triangles to alleviate stress/anxiety... .  not just pwBPD

and also, the importance to me personally of recognizing if I'm an active player in a drama triangle; after learning about Karpman Drama's triangles it helped raise my awareness about staying OFF of a triangle by not participating, neither being a rescuer, persecutor or victim.  

The concept of triangulation in relationships originated from Family Systems Theory (Bowen). Bowen proposed that triangulation in human relationships are ubiquitous, natural,  and can be either functional or dysfunctional.  All people do both sometimes.

Example of functional triangulation; where a third is introduced and the diad becomes more stable eg ., man, woman, child, / wife, husband, therapist , etc. , or if the triangle results in problem solving, stabilization, and promotes individuation (strong sense of self).

Example of Dysfunctional triangulation;  where the anxiety/tension of two is diluted by the introduction of a third entity and prevents problem solving, creates additional problems, is destabalizing,  and often involves, scapgoating, secrets, or negative advocacy.

All people triangulate all the time; it is not exclusive to pwBPD. The natural purpose of a triangle is to alleviate tension and anxiety between two people and when functional can enhance problem solving and actually enhance relating... .  everyone does it.  (Bowen)

A person struggling with a personalty disorder will often rely on problematic triangulation; The reason this would be has to do with an inability to focus on a solution (problem solve) and a strong need to instead defend an existential "identity" point on the drama triangle,  most often "victim" in the case of BPD.  Problem solving requires a strong sense of self, ownership and responsibility,  an ability to deal with uncomfortable emotions (what's my part in the problem? / shame), and the ability to maintain agreements, etc.  :)ue to BPD symtomology, these skills/traits are difficult if not at times impossible for pwBPD to perform, thus the more primitive fall-back of maintaining the role of victim at all cost,  not as a strategy in an arsenal of sophisticated tools,  but as a result of a LACK of tools and a lack of flexibile coping skills.   (Greg Lester, Personality Disorders in Social Work & Health Care, 3rd edition, Cross Country Education.

A problematic triangle or triangulation is not something that is DONE TO US, it' something that we participate in or not; usually because of our own over-identification with a point on a drama triangle from family of origin,  on this board, most often 'resucer'... .  but even if you start out as a rescuer you will usually eventually play all roles and leave a drama triangle identifying strongly with the role of "victim".

Bowen v. Karpman

In Bowen Family System terms, we understand that triangles are natural, we all do it. It's problematic if it inhibits individuation, creates more problems, or involves scapegoating/secrecy.  It was the study of family dynamics where the importance of triangles was first observed. A family with an alchoholic parent and an enabeling codependent parent, may scapegoat the angry child and identify that child as the problem in the family (the identified patient)... .  when really, the child is acting out the pain of the family system, but he is scapegoated as THE problem, while the underlying systemic sickenss of alcoholism goes unaddressed by the parents.  

Karpman stems from Transactional Analysis, and it helps conceptualize the roles we take in relating and how they switch among victim, persecutor, and rescuer.  A drama triangle diagram ala Karpman helps us to understand better our own role identifications.   Karpman diagrams many types of triangles, they aren't all 'bad' ... .  the one we focus on here is a diagram relating to a Drama Triangle.

An affair could be analyzed through a lens of either theory, using Bowen or a Karpman Drama Triangle.  Not ALL trianglation is BAD, but much of what we see on this board leans toward problematic triangles due to the nature of BPD and frankly, to the nature of codependency.

Bowen: tension in couple diminished through introduction of 3rd party vis a vie affair. Couple avoids relationship problem solving and instead argue about the affair partner. Affair partner is scapegoated as the problem, and couple nevers deals with their own problems effectively between the two of them, as their tension is outsourced through the affair.  Some might argue this triangle is actually working.  

Karpman: man meets woman in distress, she is upset because her husband mistreats her. Man overly identifies with role of rescuer and attempts to rescue woman (victim) from her husband (persecutor). Suddenly there is a role switch; upon developing closeness with woman she suddenly pulls away from the man (her rescuer). Man reacts with alarm (attachment protest)and is now in role of (persecutor/split black due to trigger of intimacy) while woman remains in victim role and finds another new rescuer or goes back to husband. Man entered the triangle as a rescuer , became the persecutor when he was devalued, and leaves the triangle feeling like a victim.  He has expereinced all roles on the triangle, but to the degree he finds himself in this kind pattern a lot... .  he may be a starting gate rescuer and his own behavior and beliefs need to be examined if he wants to break HIS pattern.  

By the way... .  this same dynamic could happen in a family between wife, husband, child... .  or at work between boss, manager, and coworker, or in  a therapy office between client, therapist, and spouse, or between three friends, ... .  etc.

How to avoid participation in problematic triangles

1) strengthen your own individuation (know yourself) through therapy, study, practice of self-care, break free of old family dynamics, etc.

2) identify if you are a starting gate rescuer, victim, or persecutor and work to lessen your participation (become more flexible/resilient) in these rigid roles to the degree it is problematic for you.

3) become aware of codependent traits in yourself or your family of origin; starting gate rescuers generally fall into codependent belief system and behaviors.

4) Be cautious of individuals who present with a long history as a victim or who engage in extreme black/white thinking about relationship dynamics (I'm blameless);  and become aware  of your own tendency to do this too, and/or your own tendancy to want to rescue a victim.

5) Focus on developing your own coping and problem solving skills and encourage others to do likewise.

The concept of triangulation and the roles we play on a drama triangle or through triangulation with others can be very useful in our own recovery process; it's not meant to be be seen as a mysterious 'thing' that only pwBPD do TO US.  It's not. It's a human thing.  Finding yourself invovled in problematic triangle dyanamis is a wake-up call to start examing your own choices, beliefs and behaviors.  It is useful to raise your level of awareness about problem triangles and your participation in them.